February 2012
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I can't believe the crap she pulled this time..
God I hate my mother.
Renovating for other people
So I’ve gotta spend the next days cleaning the house and renovating my room for the showing after the buyers jumped off..
Borderline vs Affective Lability
So yeah that’s what the neurologist suggested. That I have an affective lability disorder. Borderline personality.
So he wrote up that I need therapy.
We’ll see what happens next.
So freaking tired I could cry
And I have no idea how to get to that fucking practice
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Oh fuck no!
I have an appointment today…….
Crap.
Fail.
Ugh.
And I have to wash my hair first because I didn’t wash the rheuma potion out so sleeping is off now..
Dammit dammit dammit dammit
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4am
Gonna try to leave now and go fantasize about my role-model-Mer who also has no one but, unlike me, is not being pathetic about it.
I’m like some kind of weird kid at the playground begging the other kids to let them play with them. And nobody will.
I need to seriously cancel this blog. It’s so embarrassing I’m embarrassing ugh
God I need Mer..
Also I'm afraid
Every time I succeed my attempt to sleep some jackass wakes me up and that just feels so horrible so I’m like: Don’t even try
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That thing about playing
Sigh. It’s been 1.5 days and I’m already feeling crappy. I miss my Mer. A particular Mer from one of my games. She’s just a freaking rock star. I mean she’s all alone and the only person in her team is dead (don’t judge I’m not making them have weird ghost sex, although I probably would if it wasn’t for my friend who said no lol) so she’s got no one...
3.30 am.
Talked to a friend for an hour. You know, one of those people who seem to NOT have been lying when they said they cared about me.
Anyway.. What now? I can’t sleep when I haven’t met my playing quota for the day. And I haven’t played at all today.
Also I can’t sleep when I don’t know when I’ll get to do it again. And I don’t. So I’m kind of in...
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Everybody live blogs and tweets but when I do it it’s like some sort of public offense?
Seriously, I hate how I used to let everyone use me for comfort then find other people and ditch me.
Every single time. I’m like this gap filler. I’d say rebound girl but it doesn’t quite fit. I’m more like: Mh I could use a friend ah I’ll be friends with her until I find someone I actually like
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“I’m not going to settle for a country where a few people do really well, and...”
– President Obama speaking to UAW (via destroythegop)
This nausea marathon is killing me..
Not actually part 2. More like part 1b
So about this becoming stronger post, I wish I could also rise above the feelings of anger I get every time I think about how people lie all the time.
The whole world is all “I like you”, “I care about you”, “I love you”, “I’m so grateful to you” but then they’d never even THINK about making the slightest effort for you.
Gets me so...
I mean I know the Mark fans hate me big time but what’s with the rest of the Internet? I mean.. Ugh
Last year I still had friends.. Well yeah. Last year.
It’s the same old story though. People are all crazy about me for like 5 minutes and that’s it then.
Can’t even browse tumblr because my phone’s Internet is too slowly.
Left Inside Alone (get it? Yeah..)
Ugh I hate depending on other people.
I can’t watch anything go anywhere not even move. My Internet only works on my phone.
So when nobody talks to me all I get to do is lie in the dark and cry because my body is aching so hard.
It’s so freaking pathetic.
And not to mention boring.
Sigh.
I don’t know how I’m even doing this…
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So this probably sounds stupid, but..
through playing a character in a role play a certain way I’ve become wayyy stronger.
I don’t know if it’s gonna last once the game is over. I sure hope so.
Crap. What is it I was gonna tell in this post?
Eye roll.
Stay tuned for Part 2 provided I’ll ever remember..
So I’m going to need you to tell me how to pass the next at least 6.5 - 16.5 hours…. Seriously. I’ll die. Tell me.
And don’t say reading I don’t want to read. I only have depressing books.
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Never ever going to find someone to play with..
maddisonx3 asked: Alex, Jackson, Derek
Being chronically ill and bored in pain and sick...
Torture……
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REBLOG IF YOU WANT A ‘FUCK, MARRY, GET DRUNK WITH'...
Http://o0lexiekarev0o.tumblr.com/ask
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Just having the cutest Esplanie wedding fantasies awee
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3 hours to kill
Until I can go pick up my metamizole prescription.
Then off to the bank to try and keep up with my debts.
Will pretty much spend the rest of the day or next three days crawling on the bathroom floor because the pain killers kill my digestive system but at this point I don’t even care… Stomach pain’s nothing, nothing is anything compared to back pain like this.
Anywaaay…...
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And round 2
Struggled for hours again.
Fell asleep.
Then our neighbors thought: Why not drill a hole into her wall just long enough to wake her up?
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What happened eventually
So after I’ve cried myself to sleep at some point throughout the pain and nausea, I had a nightmare of my brother constantly torturing me.
And I swear it’s not a joke or an exaggeration when I say that just when I was finally asleep and dreaming of me asking him: “Can’t you be considerate of me ONCE?” that moment he knocked on my door waking me up for 45 freaking...
The worst part is there’s nothing to distract you from the pain at 2am.
You’re just sitting in your dark, cold room all alone, nauseous from the pain crying yourself breathless.
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Only sitting hurts so much too so I’m thinking I should jump out of the window
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Sleeping is off
It’s just not doable… I don’t know what to do.. It’s 2am.. I can’t find a way to lie.. So I’m just gonna.. Sit here and cry till I drop…
Lying in bed crying desperately because my body is aching so hard and I just can’t sleep because lying hurts so much.
I just want to sleep
….
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In terrible pain. So much it makes me sick
…..
“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the...”
– Princess Diana (via nicolkacola
)
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Defeated by pain nausea panic depression and sheer...
Crying.
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Bright Fucking Awake
Friend: *Is there*
Me: *Almost asleep*
Friend: *Leaves*
Me: *BRIGHT AWAKE*
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Ugh
I need new friends.
